Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Stalkers Getting Fatter

Stalking is a lost art.  The days of hiding in bushes and peering in windows are over.  Dark glasses, trench coats, large brimmed hats are things of the past; distant memories of simpler times.  Back in the day, there was an ambience, tricks of the trade, and certain skills necessary to successfully stalk.  It took a particular amount of proficiency; hiding in bushes unbeknown to the world or secretly living in someone’s attic space undetected.  These undertakings require patience, agility, and strategic development. 
However, the use of present day technology has made these aptitudes almost entirely unnecessary.  Sure, advancements in visual and audio equipment just added a fun twist to stalking adventures, but now with the popularity of Facebook who needs to wait patiently behind your bushes for the perfect time to peer into your windows. 
The hunt begins. 
The new aged stalker simply needs to know your name.
Step 1: Find Friends, a few more keystrokes to enter any information and there you are, smiling back at them in your profile picture. 
Step 2: Submit Friend Request, and the pursuit begins. 
Step 3:  The wait.  Will you say yes, no?   How long will it take minutes, hours, days, weeks?  It doesn’t matter, stalkers no longer have to suffer the elements or risked being caught by nosy neighbors, in the comfort of their own home they snack and wait idly for your response to their friend request. 
Step 4: It happens, Accepted Your Friend Request. 
There is all the information they need at the touch of a mouse click.  They no longer have to wait patiently down the street on Thursday night, your garbage filled with intimate treasures of the week are unnecessary.  They already know what you’ve been eating, wearing, reading, etc.  Driving behind you obscurely, making sure to stay at a safe distance undetected, learning your daily patterns.  Pointless!  You’ve already told them where you were, where you are, and where you will be going.  Not to mention detailed maps providing exact locations, little red dots signifying the stalker's prize (you).
Though Facebook is a legendary resource for communication, beware, it is contributing to the obesity of our stalkers.  We have to keep them guessing, even just a little, exercising not only their bodies, but also their minds. 
Remember, the majority of stalking victims knew their pursuers. 
So, take a look at your friend list.  Anyone putting on a few extra pounds?  Not as limber as they once were?  Failing to deliver their usually witty responses?  Maybe, just maybe, it’s because they’re not getting their daily dose of stalker exercise. 
Instead of having to scale your wall to know what you’re wearing, they only have to click on it.  So do what you can, help stop the growing obesity of stalkers.

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